My hair is falling out

I think we all hope that we will be the lucky one.  The one who never throws up post op, the one who doesn't (or does) dump, the one who doesn't lose their hair.  I hoped, I prayed.  I thought I had actually gotten lucky and that my hair was going to be fine. 
I have always had a lot of long thick hair.  I had not noticed any hair loss (outside of my normal shedding) since surgery.  My hair was fine.  I was feeling pretty good.  Today in the shower my hopes started crashing and by the time I was done brushing my hair after my shower I knew that I was not lucky.  I lost 3 very large and full hand fulls of hair in the shower today.  Then I filled an entire brush completely full of hair after my shower.  I lost a LOT of hair today.  This is scary, if I keep losing hair at this rate I will be bald in 2 weeks tops....likely less.
For years I felt like the only pretty thing about me was my hair.  It is definitely more traumatic than I thought it would be to see hand fulls of my hair coming out.  I wanted to cry.  I still kind of want to cry. 
Since surgery I have also been dealing with some pretty severe acne.  Doctors feel it is due to the hormonal issues post op.  Estrogen is stored in fat....so as fat burns estrogen is released. My face is a mess. My skin is now dry (it has been oily my whole life). My hair is falling out. My entire body is starting to sag.  I feel ugly.  I feel unattractive and insecure.  I know that things will get better.  My hair will eventually grow back. My acne will eventually go away (or at least get vastly better). I know that after I reach goal weight I can go in for all the plastic surgery that can help fix some of the skin and sag. But in THIS moment....it is hard.

The wonderful, beautiful school bus.

One of the things I have hated most about being obese are those moments where you realize you don't fit.  I didn't fit into the roller coaster at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk last summer.  I didn't fit through the turnstile at Big 5 or at our local stadium.  I didn't fit in the seats at one of my local movie theaters.  It is soul crushing.  It can take me from a good mood to a bottomless pit of shame and self hatred in a second. 

As I have lost weight I have found that I am able to fit most things again.  I fit the movie theater seats last week.  I fit the turnstile at Big 5.  But none of those things can beat what happened today.

I chaperoned my daughters class field trip today.  I have not been able to do that before because I knew I couldn't fit on the bus, or walk more than a few steps at a time.  But today I did it.  I fit on the bus.  I EASILY fit on the bus.  I had to struggle not to cry like a fool in front of a bus full of 2nd graders.  I also walked quite a way during this trip and had no issues. I fit into the seats of the arena we went to....seats that I had not fit into several months ago when I had gone for another event with my husband.  I felt normal today.  I felt like any other parent enjoying a day with her child's class.  I didn't even think about my size most of the day.  I just enjoyed myself. 

So I just want to say that I love that yellow school bus.  I love everything it represents for me.  School buses rock!

Surviving the FREEZE.

I have always loved winter.  My thermostat is set at a constant 68 degrees year round.  I adored the cold, because I was always so unbearably hot. 

This week we are getting our first taste of Autumn weather. Yesterday we had rain.  Tonight I am sitting here at my daughters soccer practice and the weather app on my phone tells me it is 63 degrees right now...and that we will see rain again tomorrow. A year ago I would have been sitting here in a T-shirt thinking it was perfect weather.  Not too hot, not too cold.  Boy how things change. 

I am sitting here in jeans and a sweater.  I am cold. As a matter of fact I am finding it hard to type this as my hands feel almost numb. I would kill for a warm travel mug full of sf hot cocoa or sf spiced apple cider. Who is this person? Since when do I experience "cold"?  The last time I was a bit chilly was on my honeymoon in South lake Tahoe...February 2, 2010. It was snowing and under 20 degrees.  I wore a sweatshirt.

How do I get through this when I am trying so hard not to buy clothes? The better question is how am I going to deal with things when it is 30 degrees, or when we go on our weekly family ski trips?  I am not cut out for this whole cold thing.  I have no experience with it. 

Tonight I may actually have to get the fireplace going.  Yeah, things really do change. 

Self talk

Have you ever called your best friend a fat slob?  Have you ever walked up to a total stranger and told them they were worthless, that they didn't deserve love?  I bet you have done something just as bad....to yourself. 

I want to talk about self talk and my thoughts on it.  I spent a lot of years saying some REALLY horrible things to myself.  I said them in my head, and I said them out loud.  I called myself names in the mirror.  I said things that if I were to say them to any other human being would have made me public enemy number 1.  I called myself fat, loser, weak. I told myself I was worthless, ugly, disgusting.  I tortured myself with the most awful insults I could think up. I am sure many of you have done the same. 

Here is my question for you.  Would you EVER say those things to someone else?  If someone came to you needing a little kindness would you call them a worthless pig?  Or would you treat them with the kindness, respect, and dignity that all human beings deserve? 

So if it is not ok to treat a friend that way, to rip out their heart with words, then why is it ok to treat yourself that way?  It isn't. I learned that.  I don't remember how I found it, I heard someone talk about it and I realized how true it was.  I would never stand for someone else to call me those names, to hurt me like that...so why would I accept it from myself.  No good can come of it.  I am not perfect, and I do still struggle with it sometimes.  But I work at it.  I try everyday to be kind to myself, to treat myself with kindness and respect.  I deserve kindness and respect. 

I look at my daughter and I see this perfect little person who wants so much to be just like mommy.  She will grow up to mirror what she sees.  How can I let her grow up watching me hate myself, tear myself to shreds?  If I want her to love herself, accept herself, and be kind to herself I need to teach her how.  So I am working on teaching myself, and maybe we will learn together.

Becoming me

I was thin once.  I was fit.  I wasn't always fat, I wasn't always the person I became after getting fat.  I was someone else, someone I remember fondly.  I was this person before I became a mother and a wife, before life happened.

You see, I made the mistake of thinking that I would find that person again. I was reasonably sure that once I started losing weight I would start gaining that person back.  I looked forward to it.  I couldn't wait.  But I was wrong, so very very wrong. 

The fact is that I have grown past that person, beyond that person.  She was young, single, childless, fun, amazing.  She was a party girl, a friend, a terrific dancer.  She was full of life. I will remember her fondly.  But she isn't me.  I will never get to be THAT version of myself again. You know what?  I am ok with that. I have discovered that there is a new version of me being born.  There is this whole new me emerging that I haven't fully figured out yet.

This new Jennifer is a mother and a wife.  She isn't 21 anymore, but she looks good for 32. This Jennifer has a whole future ahead of her.  I have this opportunity to reinvent myself, to discover new things about myself.  I am so excited!  This isn't just a weight loss journey.  It is a life journey.  It is MY journey. 

I think at the core all of the big important truths about me are still there.  I am still loving, kind, and full of life. I still believe in the golden rule and always try to treat others as I would like to be treated.  But everything else that we are is made up of experiences, desires, drives.  Those things change us, they are changing me.  I am a work in progress.  I cant wait to see who I am in a year, in 5 years, in 10.  I am so glad that those of you reading this will get to discover that new person with me, that you will all get to grow with me. 

Goals!

I realized today that I haven't really posted about my goals.  I haven't posted them here, I haven't talked about them on my YouTube channel.  I don't really know why.  I don't think I am trying to hide them or anything.  So today is about goals.  I am going to share some of mine. 

My surgeon has not given me a goal weight. He will consider my surgery a success if I lose 50% of my excess weight.  That would still leave me in the morbidly obese category, and I am not OK with that.  I will not consider that a success.  My goal weight for myself is 130 pounds.  I am 5'3.  Normal weight would be between 104 and 140 according to the BMI chart. I am actually fairly small framed.  So I settled on 130. 

But it isn't just about weight.  I have other goals.  I want to run a 5k. I know it wont happen soon, but it WILL happen. As a matter of fact...I am taking my first steps toward that goal this weekend!  I will be attempting to walk 5k to see if I can actually finish it. I am teaming up with a very special friend who will be attempting the very same thing this weekend. Incredibly awesome to have a friend with the same goals. 

There are a few others...but I gotta keep something for future entries!   :) 

The stall that broke the camels back.

I will be 9 weeks post op tomorrow.  In those 9 weeks I have had more stalled weeks than I have had loss weeks.  I stall for 2 weeks, lose for 3 days, stall for another 2 weeks.  I have been patient.  I have kept the faith.  I have looked on the bright side.  Now I am angry and sad and despondent.  I am frustrated. 

I follow my plan to the letter.  I do everything right.  I was thin in a past life, my body knows what thin is.  Why is this so hard?   Why do I feel like I am pushing forward as hard as I can and yet I am still being held back?  Why is it that some people seem to lose with such ease, at such a good steady pace?  Why did I have to be the one who lives in almost constant stall?

I know I am always the first person to jump in and tell people not to worry about stalls.  But this most recent stall of mine has broken me.  I can not look down and see 280 on that scale again.  I think I might set the damn scale on fire if it tells me even one more time that I am failing. This is supposed to be my honeymoon phase. This is supposed to be the time where things are easy, where weight loss is effortless.  This is no honeymoon. 

Now I am a hypocrite.  I am sitting here letting myself get worked up over a stall. 

My fitbit

I got a fitbit ultra about 2 weeks ago.  I am IN LOVE with this thing.  I will tell you why. 

I have been VERY inactive for the past several years.  In the last 2-3 years I have been nearly immobile, and it scared me.  So I am a bit behind the curve when it comes to working out/physical activity.  The fitbit makes it easy and keeps me motivated.  My first day I got in less then 2000 steps. A lot less.  But I was OK with that.  It gave me something to build on, something to top.  So every day my goal has been to beat what I did the day before.  Even if it is only 5 extra steps...I am determined to beat yesterdays total.  I am up over 3000 now a day.  I know that isn't a lot for some people and I was almost embarrassed to admit it....but it IS a lot for ME. 

In short...this is an awesome little device. 

It quit on me this past weekend. No damage, no getting wet.  It just quit. I was sad, and worried.  The thing costs a hundred bucks.  I am not living on the streets but I am not rich either.  I could think of about 100 better things to spend that kind of money on rather than replacing a device that broke on me after 2 weeks.  So I emailed fitbit and told them what had happened. They are amazing. They are sending me a new one free of charge.  I didn't need a receipt, I don't have to send the old one back.  It was an easy and quick process. 

I highly recommend this little piece of technology. The equipment is great, and the customer service is even better.

15 Things I wish I had known before surgery, and some I DID know but didn't really think about.

1. I was going to be constipated (REALLY constipated) for the first time in my life...and it was going to REALLY suck!
2. I was going to become a completely crazy slave to my hormones.
3. After having oily skin my entire life I was going to have to start using 3 different moisturizers and creams to keep my face from flaking. 
4. That I wasn't going to miss macaroni and cheese, or pizza, or breakfast burritos.  OK...maybe I miss breakfast burritos a little.
5. That my diabetes was going to be POOF! Gone!
6. That it would be so hard to accept help after surgery, even when I really needed it.
7. That ketosis is a smelly situation and that toothpaste does not get rid of the constant meat breath smell.
8. That for the first time in my life I would feel/be 100% in control of my eating...and that the memory of how out of control I used to be would have the power to bring me to tears.
9. That while I was in the hospital I would not be able to wipe my own backside.
10. That the people close to me were going to be as supportive as they are. 
11. That I feel shame about eating half of a homemade chocolate chip cookie.
12. ^^^^^ That I would get over it, and be able to shake it off without excusing it or justifying it.
13. That I would feel so much pride about my wise eating choices (aside from the one time I had half a cookie, lol). 
14. That after years of feeling like I had lost myself I would find myself again. I know who I am again.
15. That nothing you read on the internet, see on television, or hear from friends will ever fully prepare you for your new life after surgery. To fully understand it you have to live it.

Bonus:  16.  That I would meet so many amazing people on my journey, and that those people and their stories would change my life in so many ways.

Bariatric mood swings...yeah, I am a bitch!

Fun fact: You can get severe mood swings during your active weight loss phase after bariatric surgery. 

My poor husband.  I have been on a rampage for a few weeks. I am irritable, angry, sad, manic.  In short...I have lost my ever loving mind. It is like the worst PMS ever, or early pregnancy.  I KNOW that I am being unreasonable, I KNOW that there is something really wrong with the sudden change in my normally happy way of reacting to the world around me...I just cant seem to stop it. 

So I started looking into it.  I decided that if I was going to go completely bat shit crazy I should at least know why, and be able to name the particular brand of bat shit crazy I was becoming.  According to the internet and my awesome skills at self diagnosis I have discovered that this is a common symptom following bariatric surgery in women. (I am kidding, I actually did talk to my doctor and did not just diagnose myself)   It seems that as you lose large amounts of weight all the estrogen stored in your fat is released. You end up with hormones rushing through your blood stream that would not normally be there.  These hormones (in my case) can cause the same kind of mood swings we all know and love from bad PMS.

So I guess I am not going insane, although my husband might still tend to disagree.  But crazy or not, if he chews with his mouth open just one more time someone may need to file a missing persons report.

The in-laws

I have amazing in-laws, I have always said so.  They are the most supportive people I have ever met. 
My husband and I drove up and spent the weekend with them this past weekend.  We don't get to visit as much as we would like, so it was a good visit.  I of course decided to bring a lunch bag with enough food to get me through the weekend, because I am still on soft foods. 
When I get there my mother in law is making a huge pot of carrot soup.  Carrots, potatoes, onions, garlic, chicken stock....then puree it all.  OMG!  This stuff was so crazy good! She had wanted to make sure that I had something I could eat for dinner, so she had made it just for me.  It wasn't high in protein, so not something I would eat all the time.  It was just so thoughtful.  She had also made homemade apple sauce with no sugar.   I still had to eat the food I brought for other meals.  It was just really nice that she had gone out of her way to accommodate me. 
They asked questions.  They really wanted to know about my surgery, my limitations, what foods I eat.  They wanted to be educated on my new way of life. I enjoyed sharing it and helping them understand why I eat the things I do, why I cant have fat or sugar, how much I can eat.  I enjoyed talking to people who really just want to know because they care and they want to be a part of my new life.
Before we left to head up there my husband and I stopped at a Lane Bryant because we had a coupon and I am quickly running out of clothes that fit.  I got 2 cute shirts....in an 18/20!!!  What??!!  I was a 26/28 just 7 weeks ago. I could  not believe it.    Then today I went to Fashionbug (they are having a big clearance sale) and picked up 2 shirts in a size 1x thinking I could wear them in a few weeks.  I tried them on when I got home....they fit, in a few weeks they will be too big.  I love NSV's. 
Life is good!