The looooong stall

We all have stalls. They happen. They are normal. They pass.....don't they????
I have been living in the land of the long stall for over a month now. It sucks. It makes me worry that this is it, that this is as much as I am going to lose. It is messing with my head. I want to be in onderland by May.  May is the magical month.  The WLSFA Las Vegas meet and greet is in May. I want to look my best, feel my best, be my best. 
I know in my head that my stall will break when it breaks. I can follow my plan.  I can work out. I can only do what I can do. The rest will come when it comes. But no matter what I know in my head it is not easy. Seeing that same number on the scale day after day can wear a person down.

Superbowl?

Superbowl Sunday is upon us. In just a few days time people everywhere will be enjoying the game, the food, the drinks.  Not me.  I will be in Tahoe.....LIVING.  I could honestly not care less about football.  The Superbowl has never been about football for me.  Superbowl is about the party. It has always just been a day of excess for me. I used it as an excuse to eat insane amounts of really bad food and get drunk.  Yep, that has been my M.O. for Superbowl Sunday for as long as I can remember.

But this year I will be on a snowmobile that day, exploring Tahoe.  Then I will be snowboarding and enjoying the hot springs. 5 days of fun. I am excited. No need to eat or drink in excess, because I have new ways to have fun. It is pretty awesome to be me right now, it really is.

By the way....my husband is rooting for the 49ers.  I am rooting for a shopping spree after our snowmobile tour.  :)

It just is not fair

I am trying to understand it.  I really am.  I still can not wrap my head around the fact that I have 3 (full) siblings and none of them have a problem with weight or with food. I am the only one who won that fun little lottery.  It isn't fair. 

I am 5 months post op now. I KNOW that if I let things slip...even a little...I can and WILL gain back every pound.  I CAN eat just about anything now. I struggle. Am I supposed to admit that?  I am hungry, so very hungry sometimes. I want to eat. I want sooooo much to eat. I want that old numb feeling again. I want that relaxing high that binging can bring. But I don't.  I won't. 

Is it taboo that I talk about this?  Is is wrong to admit that I want to eat?  I am trying, fighting, struggling.

My life is so good right now. It really is. But that monkey on my back is still there. I want to be honest. Food is still my drug of choice. I have resisted so far...but I am scared.  It just is not fair.

New Years 2013

So, a new year has begun.  I didn't really set any resolutions this year, but I did set some goals. I honestly can not tell you what the difference is but I am sure that there is a difference.  2012 was a big year for me, a life changing year.  2012 started with me in a hospital bed. I spent 7 days in that hospital bed. It was that hospital bed that helped me on my way to gastric bypass.  This year started infinitely better.

So, on to my goals for this brand new year.

1. I will run a 5k.   I hate running. I find nothing about it fun. So why am I planning a 5k? Because I CAN. I am going to run a 5k just because I can, when for so long I could not. Might sound crazy to some...but some of you will completely understand.

2. I will make fitness in general a bigger part of my life.  I have taken up snowboarding. I am riding my bike again. Yesterday I even played tennis. My goal is to be active.

3. I will rock the WLSFA meet and greet in Las Vegas this coming May.  I have already gotten my ticket, the hotel room is booked.

4. Goal weight!  I could lie and say it doesn't matter....but it does.  Will I cry if it does not happen? No. But I am putting it on my goal list for the year. 

5. Have an amazing 33rd birthday party.

6. Be ready to start working on a new baby near the end of the year. My surgeon only requires that I wait 12 months before getting pregnant. August 10th will be 12 months.  I would however like to enjoy my September birthday first...so thinking sometime between October and December.

That is all I think. I tried to keep my list short and to the point. Well...I would also like to do better with my blog. I don't post nearly enough. So lets add that to the list....

7. Spend more time on my blog!

And that is all.  Happy New year! 

The struggle

We all start out thinking we are NEVER going to give in to temptation again. We are ALWAYS going to get in our protein and our water. We are not going to be like those people who have surgery and then cheat.  It is a nice dream...but alas, it is a dream.

I am great with food 96% of the time.  I get in my protein, I drink my water, I do not eat junk.  Then there is that 4%.  The shameful 4%.  I went a little crazy on cookies last week. If I only eat one every few hours I don't dump.  I am actually really ashamed that I know this fun little fact.  I shouldnt know that, but I do.  So I ate cookies.  In my defense I am not usually one who is into sweets at all. I prefer salty and savory. But I have had a crazy hardcore craving for sweets lately.  The doctor thinks it is related to my recent sleep issues and I tend to agree.  I struggled with this last week.  Then I realized I was getting in 8-16 oz of water a day. Not nearly enough. Then I got lazy and started eating at odd hours and not logging  my food.  It was insanity.  It only lasted for 2-3 days, but that was long enough.

After my little experiment in stupidity last week I stalled. Am I suprised? Heck no.  At least I did not gain, that is a small blessing. So I had to get back on track. 

My struggle now is that voice in my head that says "well, you already messed up for the day...so why not have one more cookie?".  This is the "diet" voice. The one that helped me diet my way all the way up to 350 pounds. I know better.  So this week my focus is to shut that voice up, eat better, drink my water, and not let that 4% knock me down.

In reality I don't think any of us are going to be perfect 100% of the time.  But I am not going to use that to justify my bad behavior. Instead I am going to love myself and get over it.  I am moving on. But it is a struggle. I will be happy when Christmas is over and people stop giving me cookies.  Speaking of which...everyone KNOWS I had surgery.  I dont understand why this year so many people brought me cookies. I have never had so many sweets in my house at one time.   :) 

Giveaway!

Just wanted to share this giveaway with anyone who may be reading. There is a giveaway going on over at theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com. I love this blog. I read it regularly and am always scanning the archives for great recipes and meal inspirations. If you have never read it (and I am sure everyone has, I mean..come on it is awesome!) please head over and take a look.

I will put the link for the giveaway below. Thanks for reading!

http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2012/11/get-cooking-with-eggface-giveaway.html

ME? Nominated???!

I got an email today.  It might be one of the greatest emails I have ever gotten.  It was an email informing me that I had been nominated for the WEGO health activist awards as a Rookie of the Year.   Yes...I am maybe a bit more excited by this than I should be.  I can't help it.  I have never been nominated for any kind of award in my life.  I feel so honored that someone out there thought that I deserved such an award.  So if you nominated me, thank you.

If you are reading this and want to endorse my nomination I would be so greatful....even if I feel kind of weird asking for such a thing.   Just click on the box that says endorse me over on the right hand side of the page. 

:)